Diary of a Born Dancer!

I am so glad this past weekend is over. I spent so much time and energy preparing for it that I'm drained. I guess I didn't prepare enough though, because I was unhappy with one of my performances. I did both Polynesian and bellydance. The poly was great. The audience was very enthusiastic and very receptive. I guess they liked it so much because I put my soul into that dance that night. It was the highlight for me. The Oriental dance was an afterthought. I didn't fall in love with the song and I only chose it because it was short. I had a hard time trying to convince myself that I would do well with that piece, so I know that I didn't convince the audience of it. So it failed. I know that it was taped, but I don't even want to see that part. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to do the "two dances in show thing". From the way this weekend went, I won't be able to do it very long.

I taught two classes on Sunday too. Then I went to my own class today. So, I'm very tired. When I'm tired, I become very sensitive and small things really bother me. Somebody in class noticed that today. She asked me what was wrong and just brushed it off and told her "nothing". But we talked a while out in the parking lot after class. She's very sensitive like me and knows when something is going on without people having to say them (many things don't have to be said in order for them to be true). At some point in our conversation, she said she could since that I still felt like an outsider in class. She was dead on with that comment. I've been bellydancing for about a year and a half and I still feel like the odd girl out. All of the other girls have a group of friends who are their support system. I don't have that and I've never had that. Learning this art form has been a kind of lonely journey. And a fighting battle too. First, I had to sort of prove that I was "worthy" to be in the class that I'm in now. I leaped over that hurdle and now I have to deal with jealousy issues. This whole jealousy vibe is coming from everywhere and everybody and alot of backstabbing and conniving behavior has occured. I think it keeps us from having a real dance community. Everybody is so cold and distant. We just come to class, say "hi", dance and then go home. No fellowship, no phone calls, no outings, nothing. It's a downer to me. There were many times when I thought that I should stop going to class. But, then I come back to my senses and remember that in spite of all of the excess "stuff", I do actually enjoy learning this dance form. The girl in the parking lot told me that I better not ever stop coming to class. I needed to hear her say that. Her personality is so different. She's a nice change of attitude. A bit of necessary positivity. Thank God for her.